Well, it looks like I might have Tuberculosis...again. Maybe it will turn out to be some exotic disease that Massachusetts has not seen in the past 50 years again - we can only hope. In lieu of all the possibilities that this pending diagnosis has brought to my attention I have decided to create a list of the best to worst case scenarios that could take place in association with this disease. Here it is:
(This is based on a scale of 1-10. 1 is the best and 10 would be the worst)
- Turns out it was a faulty PPD Test and the X-Rays taken, show that there is no way I could possibly have Tuberculosis. Furthermore the X-Rays show that I in fact have lungs of steel and am able to do breathing feats never achieved before. In learning this I fly to the Adirondacks and train for the 2008 Summer Olympics, while occasionally taking breaks to win major marathons. In entering the Olympics, NBC decides to do a full feature on my year off spent saving the world and I become an American National Treasure, and an instant celebrity. Though winning and losing in my case wouldn't matter as I am already loved by all Americans and the World, I end up winning all running and swimming events and shatter the Olympic Record books. My name becomes so notoriously linked with the words "perseverance, selflessness, achievement, champion and all those other words that represent a true Olympic Athlete that the International Olympic Committee renames the Olympics to the "Adam Rice Games." After years of dominance and endless offers for endorsement deals that even Lebron James dreams about, I retire from the world of sports and move into the field of Oceanography. I form a private under water discovery organization whose sole foundation is to discover the lost city of Atlantis. Though my steel lungs make it possible for me to reach depths of 32,000 feet without the extreme pressures crushing my body to the size of a glass marble, the science world is not shy in scrutinizing my attempts and shunning my organization from the Science Community. After years and years of dives and pointless findings such as a species of fish whose bodies venomous defense system had anti-bodies capable of defeating the spread of the mutatious cells found in cancer, and a type of coral which could survive and multiply easily in controlled environments, that if mixed with pure oxygen would turn into a none emitting bio-fuel capable of allowing vehicles to travel at the rate of 60 miles to the liter, I eventually discover the lost city of Atlantis. Upon my discovery I am greeted by the Merpeople King who grants me the wisdom of the world in return that I do not announce my discovery so that they may live in peace. I accept the offer and in returning back to the dry world I write a book about and preach the word of the wise. In following my words the world becomes rid of war and disease. Knowing that I have no more to offer this world, I return to the bottom of the ocean and live as a Lord among the Merpeople in Atlantis. I live to the age of 185, which by Merpeople standards would have barely allowed me to grow hair on my chin, and in my disappearance the people of the Dry World begin to believe that I was the reincarnate of God's first human and in honor of my bringing peace to the world, they rename Earth to "Adam."
- Turns out the PPD Test was a fluke and I do not have tuberculosis. Yipee! After realizing the close call I had, I work my butt off at UMass Amherst and do well enough to transfer to Emerson College. After years of working hard, everything pays off and I get a job writing for Time Magazine. After a few years I get my own feature article in each issue of Time Magazine. In my career I become well respected and write many books which begin a intellectual revolution.
- Turns out the PPD Test was a fluke and I do not have Tuberculosis.
- Turns out the PPD Test was not a fluke and I do have TB. Luckily since we caught it so early after a few weeks of medication it is determined that I have been cured.
- Well, I have Tuberculosis. That stinks. I cant go out for a while but that's alright because I get to study things I wouldn't have if I was free to roam the living world. After a month of medication I am allowed to go out and what not. And finally after the projected 9 months of medication I am deemed cured and this is nothing but a little bump in the road.
- I have tuberculosis, and unfortunately I am told that I can't attend the first semester of classes at UMass Amherst. It stinks, but it is something I can suck up. I take a few classes over the internet while I am stuck at home so I do not fall too far behind. And when I am deemed cured after 9 months of medication I can attend classes.
- I've caught the tubers and it turns out it was latent, this means that it was getting pretty bad while no one noticed anything. It is so bad that for the first few weeks I cough up blood. Though I will be eventually cured I have to miss an entire year of school and become a Freshman at the age of 21.
- OH WHAT THE HECK! Turns out Dr. Powers was totally wrong when he said it was allergies a while back, and I actually had a severe case of Tuberculosis. It went into recession a little bit because of the steroids, but now that I am off of them it has come back and stronger. I have to go through years of medication and quarantines. Though after a long time I am finally able to live my life again this was a serious bump in the road and I am now a Freshman at UMass Amherst at the age of 35.
- Same thing as number 8 but replace 35 with 81. And it turns out Norman Rice is not my father, but instead I am a spawn of Dr. Phil and Martha Stewart.
- Well...this stinks. I've got TB. And after an embarrassing revelation by Dr. Powers I find out that TB does not in this case stand for Tuberculosis, but in fact stands for "Three Butts". How I caught this nobody knows, speculations are made that I was possibly infected by the vast laziness I displayed in my lifestyle but, no one can know for sure. I go through the stages - Denial, Anger and no not acceptance, that apparently is not a member of the Three Butts stages, the third one happens to be Purple. In the third stage my entire body turns purple. Though incredibly embarrassed by my appearance I decide to attend classes at UMass anyway. Unfortunately during my 3rd day I get mistaken for a Flying Purple People Eater and get chased off of campus and into the woods. While living in the woods I contract a fungal disease and instead of hair I have mushrooms. Well because I am so ugly the world excommunicates me and I am forced to live in an abandoned castle far away from any form of civilization. I live alone for years until one day a beautiful woman enters my domain. I fall in love with her, and eventually show her that I was once a human being and a very warm, generous and sensitive man with which she would have gladly married. Unfortunately it turns out that this beautiful woman is an under cover agent for the FEUCB (Federal Elimination of Ugly Creatures Bureau) and pierces my heart with a syringe filled with bacteria carrying Tuberculosis. With no one to go to I eventually die of the disease I originally thought I had caught years ago.
